It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
