well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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