Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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