Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
