1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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