i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Randomize
