I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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