did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
