I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
