Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Randomize
