I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
