Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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