arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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