I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
