You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
