FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
