Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
