i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
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I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
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You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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