there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
