Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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