i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml