I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
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