My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Randomize
