My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
