Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
