I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Randomize
