I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
