I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
