I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
