I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Randomize
