Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
