maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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