Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
People in love make me want to vomit
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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