just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
