her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
