A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
