I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
