News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
