watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Randomize
