It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
