last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
