every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
