I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
