At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
