toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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