You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
