i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
