we have officially lost it.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
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I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
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Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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