Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Randomize
