I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
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He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
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NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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