I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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