I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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