My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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