I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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