I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
