My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
