My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
