Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
