Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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