I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
